Growing into our autism

I met up with a friend who always says, "I don't know. She just seems so normal." She says this during the 1-2 hours we hang out, a couple of times per YEAR. Today she said the same stuff, on cue. She asked, "So does she still have that....you know? Has she grown out of it yet?" I wanted to say, "No, and I'm sure glad she hasn't because if it's not autism then we've got some other kind of serious mental illness going on here--and I'm much rather have autism!"

But I'm getting better at handling it, without feeling frustrated or defensive. This friend is also really hard to communicate with due to her adhd that makes her unable to hear more than one sentence at a time before interrupting or wandering away, literally. Hard to sum up the complexities of it all in one sentence! Today I discovered a new tactic to get her to listen longer: just use an example and tell it like a story. So I told her the story of last week when the substitute principal walked LS out to me after school holding her hand, and told me of the day's events that involved LS having a misunderstanding with another student then having a meltdown when the student told on her, then spending the rest of the afternoon in the principal's office. Then finding out that LS's teacher had gone home sick in the middle of the day, and the sub principal was helping out in LS's class. So when LS had the misunderstanding with the other student, there was no one there who knows her to help her problem solve. She relies on adults to help her problem solve troubles with her peers. So with no one there, she went into a full fit. That seemed to hold my friend's attention and satisfy her doubts, for this visit anyway.

But if we had visited longer, or if I could have kept her attention longer, I would have added that the meltdown that day was a rare event since we are going longer and longer in between meltdowns, and I credit this to LS learning coping tools and self control, as well as the staff learning how to help her. Another change is that I am now understanding more about the triggers and what LS needs--in this case her need was a trained adult to help her problem solve. And now I see how that important that is for her overall.

So I guess I'd say to my friend that, no, LS is not growing OUT of anything, but that WE are growing INTO it. Yes, we are growing into our autism.

Principal's office

Usually the steps to handling Little Squirrel at school involve a series of "warnings" then "resets" then "thinking spot" then "Mr. PJ" in the intervention room ("He's a nice guy. He solves problems." - Little Squirrel). Yesterday there was an event involving Little Squirrel and the mean girl that involved spitting at each other during free time and screaming I HATE YOU. They were both sent to the principal's office.

Little Squirrel says it's because the mean girl didn't cheer for her when it was her turn to do something, but she cheered for A. and another one of their friends. Turns out, it wasn't even a cheering situation. What they were doing didn't require cheering and the mean girl was just doing it to annoy Little Squirrel. It worked.

So Little Squirrel learned how to handle one very specific tool the mean girl uses: the constant taunting "I'm not your friend" all day long. But now that the mean girl has seen this doesn't work anymore to make Little Squirrel explode, she is using different approaches.

Little Squirrel is a bottom up thinker. She can't generalize a strategy to include any kind of bullying or mean behavior. It has to be a specific scenario. We can't possibly imagine all the possible scenarios so I guess all we can do is just keep creating responses for the specific ones that come up, over and over and over and over--and maybe someday a generalized understanding will be achieved.

Three's a crowd

Today at a playdate with A. (Little Squirrel's best friend at school) I found out more about the real cause of the horrible social problems that have been escalating since around January. I started having emails and meetings with Little Squirrel's teacher about problems with another girl in class. Little Squirrel and E. have had a "frenemy" thing going on that seemed to have come out of nowhere. I was confused because I thought Little Squirrel and A. were BFFs, so why take time for psychological warfare with this girl, E.? And all this girl E. seems to do all day is say, "I'm not your friend" to Little Squirrel, which makes Little Squirrel instantly burst into tears until E. says, "I was just kidding!" EVERY TIME! Then E. does the same thing again in about 5 minutes. All. day. long. And E. has gotten A. to do it to Little Squirrel also. And E. has even gotten Little Squirrel to do it to A. Basically, it's a 1st grade "mean girls" scenario with E. pulling the strings. I've been trying to talk to Little Squirrel about ignoring, and role playing how to ignore, and we've dealt with the issue a lot in our weekly counseling sessions. But Little Squirrel just doesn't have the self esteem or social skills to pull that off. Today, with A.'s parents, we compared notes and put all the pieces together and I feel really bad for Little Squirrel. Basically, Little Squirrel and A. were BFFs. They have a very positive, innocent friendship that consists of jumping up and down and running around, both are ADHD (though I don't think A.'s parents are aware of this about A.), hence why A. doesn't notice Little Squirrel's differences. No fighting or bickering--which is notable for Little Squirrel since she has had social problems in this area since she became social at age 4. I was encouraged by this positive friendship and the teacher even commented on what great friends Little Squirrel and A. are and how they are so good for each other. Then along came E. She joined the class in December and set her eyes on friendship with A. She's a manipulative little thing and started telling A. not to be friends with Little Squirrel anymore or she wouldn't be A.'s friend. And she's been pressuring A. to ditch Little Squirrel. It's become like a tug of war between Little Squirrel and E. over A. Little Squirrel just wants her fun, innocent friendship with A. back, but to E. it's psychological warfare. Little Squirrel is completely ill-equip when it comes to social complexities. That's why her friendship with A. worked so well. Little Squirrel has only very surface level social understanding, so she's been just floundering around, trying to keep A. and fight off E., but sometimes that means buddying up to E. to avoid being left out. She is in way over her head and this is only 1st grade. This situation would be difficult even for a NT, but disastrous for a kid with ASD who scored 0% on the social communication part of an evaluation. It's like sending her into battle every day without any weapons, armor or strategy. This is making me rethink the mainstreaming. Her teacher says it's getting in the way of teaching and learning. Little Squirrel is gifted and advanced academically. She doesn't even know how extraordinary she is compared to other kids in her class. She reads fluently, has the handwriting of an adult, is a gifted artist, and has superior math skills. Yet she's trying desperately to be accepted by little girls who are already dressing like teenagers and can't even read the notes she writes to them.

We have a meeting next week to talk to the teacher and counselor about options for next year.