Just a little nuts

Just a little nuts
A blog about single parenting & autism

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Glee Club drop out

Welp, tonight was the winter concert at school and it did not go well. LS is in the Glee club. They have only had one other performance so far but the first one was in front of a church at night outdoors. Different setting. Nothing noticeably weird happened. We were not so lucky tonight. LS was front and center on stage so I couldn't see her much because the director was standing in front of her (no coincidence there). At first when I did see her she was singing and everything seemed well and I felt tears coming on because I was so proud she could be part of the group and participating. Then during the 3rd song I noticed she took her santa hat off. Then she was chewing the hat and rubbing the fluff ball at the end of it all over her face. Then at the last song she was making weird faces and sticking her tongue out at the audience. And then...after the last song she ran out to the edge of the stage by herself and did a big dramatic bow curtsy. I was trying to crawl under my chair so I didn't see anything else she did but when the curtains were closing she was back in her spot in the front row, reaching her arms out and the last thing I saw of her she was yelling MOMMY! desperately looking out in the crowd for me before the curtains closed on her face. I had moved to sit with her bff's parents so that could have been part of the problem. I wasn't where she last saw me. But still....! Really???

Oh, and then instead of going to sit with the other Glee kids on the bleachers to watch the Samba drum kids perform, LS somehow found me in the audience and sat on my lap and made monkey sounds and flailed around and people stared at us. I knew the drumming was too loud for her and it was really hard to control her flailing. 

Then after all that.... people still had the nerve to tell me "Oh she's fine" "she's so cute" "she was enjoying herself" etc. I'm tired of the pacifying comments. 

One of the Glee volunteers lectured LS afterward, about pulling the bowing stunt. Told her that the applause was for the whole group, not just for her. 

I know, I know. It was loud. It was crowded. There was an audience. All ingredients for disaster. But I get lulled into thinking she can do these things. Because of all the things people say to me and how they refuse to acknowledge reality Instead everyone wants me to believe everything is just fine. All kids are like that. Kids go through things. Blah blah blah. It just makes the let downs a bigger fall. 

Really, what really gets me is that no one will let me just be entitled to a little heartbreak for even a minute. The heartbreak that all their kids can stand there singing, just singing, (and they all did, I looked at all the other kids) but mine can't. Or swim. Or ride a bike. Or tie shoes. Or go to Boys & Girls Club after school. Or go to ballet class. Or movies. Or restaurants. Or stores. Or do drum line next year like I hoped (because LS has impeccable rhythm). Or who knows what else. Yes, she is mainstreamed and can do a lot more than other ASD kids and I'm grateful she doesn't have the medical problems of some, but it makes it so confusing because we don't know where we fit in. 


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